


Stepping into the sun

by Tea_and_Books



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Guardian Angels, Dead Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Evan is sad and needs a better friend, I'll add more tags as i go, Kinda, M/M, Main focus on Connor's POV kinda, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Witchcraft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:33:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23500879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tea_and_Books/pseuds/Tea_and_Books
Summary: Connor Murphy has succeeded in killing himself, but death isn't as straight forward as he hoped it would be. Now tasked with being a guardian angel, he must prevent Evan Hansen from committing mistakes that could end his life early. Evan on the other hand just wants to be left alone by this new spirit that has come to haunt him.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	1. The After Life?

Connor Murphy sat silently in a small black room staring at a black wall. The room he was in contained no windows or doors. There was one single piece of furniture, a chair that didn’t seem to break no matter how many times he had thrown it. When Connor looked upwards to where a ceiling should have been, he was just treated to the sight of more black. Never-ending black all around him with a little, brown, and what he assumed, wooden chair to sit on. Even with a room being black it was not dark. A light source seemed to fill the room but Connor could not see where or what it was coming from. He had already tried to find the light but simply couldn’t.

Yes, Connor Murphy was dead. The last thing the boy could remember was his last day. He had wanted to stay home, hoping that after his mother, father, he recoiled at the thought of Larry, and sister had left the house he could simply overdose, slit his wrists, and fall into a never-ending sleep on his bed. But thanks to his mother he was forced to spend his last hours alive in a torturous hellhole that only fed into his hunger for death. He wouldn’t have minded the day as much if he had been left alone but that was simply too much to ask. Kleinman just had to make his morning pure and utter shit by just existing in his field of vision. Even worse, he had run off before Connor could do what he had always wanted to do; beat Jared to a pulp. You can’t put someone through trial if they are dead.

The rest of the day had been uneventful, a few snickers at him here and there but mostly quiet. That was until he got to the computer lab at the end of the day. He had debated upon writing a suicide note. Would anyone care? Who would even read it? What was he supposed to even say? 

‘Dear everyone  
I’m dead now. I had depression you didn’t treat so now you can’t talk to me anymore. Bye.  
Connor Murphy’ 

Connor cringed at the thought. Besides, if they really missed him they could hold onto something from his room, like a book. God knows he won’t be reading them anymore. After writing and deleting draft after draft of letters he finally decided against it. He got up, grabbed his bag and walked past the printer. That damn printer. The one that printed off a kid's letter so that he could find it. So he could seem crazy. So he could know some creep wanted to date his sister. If Connor had known he would be so lucky as to find that letter and end his day off on the worst note possible, he probably would have never come to the computer lab. 

After storming out of the computer lab and folding the letter into his jeans pocket he made his way home. He made sure to check the time. The last thing he wanted was Zoe to get back from jazz band practice and ruin his peaceful descent to the afterlife. Play the hero of his story and put him as, once again, the worst of the two murphy siblings. If he had been thinking straight he would have remembered to think about his mother. She was home. He couldn’t die at home anymore. He had to get out. She would find out. He cursed to himself as he walked in through the door. 

After realizing his mother didn’t hear him ended he quietly made his way upstairs. Once upstairs he headed for the en suite in his parents' bathroom. Sure they had tried to help him, but only to the extent of not keeping any of the easily accessible drugs and pills in their bathroom. A type of out of sight out of mind approach. His father thought it would be enough to at least get them to a point where he could be stable and fixable. Conor did know that his father was too thick-skulled to think of putting a lock on the cabinet, so into his parents' bathroom cabinet he went to rummage around for pills. 

He soon found what he was looking for, sleeping pills. He carefully put everything back and took the half-full pill bottle with him as he quietly made his way down the stairs. He froze every time he heard the pills rattle, praying to whatever god still tolerated him that his mother wouldn’t hear. When the coast was clear he would move again. After a long and tedious process, he was outside and free. Free from his family. A small smile crept onto his face. His last smile. He started to walk towards a park. 

Once he approached the park he started to scan for places to sit and do his deed. It wasn’t long before he found a secluded patch of bushes and trees. He plunked himself down and pulled his hood over his head. He pulled out the pill bottle and swallowed all the ones he could. It was dry and hurt going down his throat. He knew he could dry swallow pills, that was something he had learned from the many medications his family had put him on, but it was still hard. For a moment he wished he had brought some water with him, something to make this all easier. After feeling like he had swallowed enough he looked around and waited for them to kick in. He watched some birds fly by, or perch in the bushes and sing. He watched an ant crawl up his hand and then back down once it realized Connor was not made of anything sweet. Connor soon felt his eyelids become heavy. As they became heavier and heavier he let them fall closed. The last thing he remembered seeing was a bird tweet at him. 

Connor was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of a door opening. Where was the door? Connor didn’t know. He looked all around him and noticed a door behind him. That hadn't been there before and neither had the man that now stood in the doorway. The man was completely cloaked in a light gray. His hands were rather thin and feminine. Maybe that’s because they looked so boney and almost skeletal like. As Connor looked to his face he was met with a pitch-black sheet that only contained a Cheshire cat grin. It opened and Connor heard a voice, it was cold and dripping with death.

“You’re early, Connor Murphy. What has brought you here so early? Your family? School bullies?” A smirk followed the words as they flowed out of the man’s mouth. Connor rolled his eyes. The man was trying to make Connor feel weak and it wasn’t sitting well with Connor. 

“None of your business.” He snapped. Even in death Connor still had a short temper. “Now tell me why you have me sitting here. I thought death was fucking freedom, not being held in a dark box for eternity.” Death chuckles and cocks his head to the side as he faces Connor with a smile instead of a smirk. 

“Think of this more as a waiting room if you will. Since I wasn't expecting you to come here this early I still have to find a spot for you. So I want to give you a chance to go back to earth, not as a human of course. Rather, a guardian angel.” Death let out another chuckle as he saw Connor’s face contort in disgust. 

“And why would you think I would want to do that?”

“Because you don't have a choice. You are going to be a guardian angel. Not for someone you might think. I need you to keep them alive, keep them off my plate for a bit.” Connor raises an eyebrow as he tries to think about who he might have to watch over. His sister? Oh, that would be fun, having to follow her everywhere and then console her when a friend yells at her. Help her through all that petty highschool drama he was able to miss out on. Maybe being a loner all the time hadn’t been so bad. It got him through most of high school. 

Death started to walk around Connor’s chair. “Are you trying to figure out who? How do you think you’ll do that? I haven’t told you anything. Who is even to say I will send you to a place you know?” 

“I would think of you as a dick if you didn’t send me somewhere familiar. If I have to be a guardian angel then I have to help people. You can’t just fuckin stick me somewhere in like Colorado and expect me to help some.” Connor leaned back in his chair and followed Death with his eyes, refusing to turn his head when he walked behind him. “Just because I was sad doesn’t mean I was a highschool burn out.” 

A low rumbling chuckle came from behind Connor as Death let out a hum. “A smart kid. Let’s see how smart you are when it comes to protecting someone. Emotionally smart let’s say. So tell me then Connor Murphy, do you know Evan Hansen?”


	2. Earth Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stepping out of a little black box wouldn't be so bad right? Maybe Evan Hansen would be easier to save than he thought.

Connor sat silently. Where has he heard that name before? It was familiar, but he couldn’t think of where he had heard it. He started to think back to his final day, back to school. If anywhere maybe he had heard a kid yell it in the hallway or something. Evan Hansen. Evan Hansen. Evan Hansen. Why was it so familiar? It couldn’t have just been someone yelling it in the hall. It had to be from something more important. That’s when he got it. The letter.

Back in the computer lab, Connor had picked up a letter on the printer. On the top, it read ‘Dear Evan Hansen’. That was also the same letter that his sister’s name was in. He would have to watch over some creep as he tried to date his sister. Rage ran through Connor as he remembered the kid’s stupid face, the way he just stood there and watched him. For a moment it was almost believable that he didn’t actually mean for the letter to fall into Connor’s hands, but then again he was obviously friends with Kleinman. The same asshole who liked to make fun of Connor and say that he was just trying to ‘brighten his day’. Oh if only he could have gotten Jared Kleinman to torment. 

“You gotta be fucking with me right? You expect me to look after and help some fucking creep who has a thing for my sister and tried to make me seem crazy? You really think I am going to help that asshole? Who says I won’t just fuck around with him? Make his life shit.” Connor spat out with venom. He was now glaring daggers at Death, oh how he wished he could see that fucker's actual face. 

Death simply laughed before he spoke, waving Connor off as he opened the door behind him. “ You really think you have a choice in the matter? Here, let me put it in a way you can understand; You either help him and get a little bit of extra time on earth or you mess with him and get him killed. One of these options ends with your afterlife being worse than being stuck in a black box.” He stepped to the side of the door to allow the light to stream in, blinding Connor for a moment before he could get used to it. 

“Oh thanks, I love having an ultimatum. That’s totally not what caused me to want to kill myself.” Connor grumbles out. The more time he spent with Death the more it seemed like he was just here to be a dick to anyone who crossed over. Not only that, but it seemed like he found enjoyment in making people’s afterlives just a little less pleasant. 

Connor turned his attention to the door. The light wasn’t as blinding as it had first been, it was bearable to look at. He could guess that if he stepped through the door it would take him to Evan’s house? I mean that sounds like the most logical spot to drop him off. He took a step closer to the door, hoping he could see something, anything beyond the white light that came from it. If he really squinted he could make out the faint outline of some furniture and a rug. It was still too bright and hazy to see anything. 

He took another step, this time getting a slightly clearer view and starting to feel the draft from the room coming through the door and onto his face. A few thin strands of hair jumped around in the breeze that came through the door. It was nice, it made him feel alive. At least a little bit. Maybe actually being on earth wouldn’t be so bad. He could pretend things were ok while he wasn’t watching over Evan. 

Death put a hand on Connor’s back as he continued to squint into the blinding light of the door. “Once you step through that door there is no coming back. You will do your job until I call you back here. It could be years or months, we’ll see how much time I need.” 

“Yeah, whatever. Just as long as you don’t try and fuck with me down there, I think I will be somewhat capable of doing my job.” Connor took another step forward to get the cold hand of Death off his back. People really weren’t kidding when they said that death was cold. This guy felt like he was made from the freezing depths of outer space. Does he really need to be that cold? Was Connor going to turn that cold? 

He shook the thoughts from his head and looked back into the doorway. He just had to step through it and then he would be on earth again. Taking a deep breath, Connor walked through the doorway and into a living room. 

Well, it wasn’t just a living room. It was a living room connected to a kitchen, one of those open concept plans his mother always loved to talk about doing with their house. It was definitely smaller than he had thought it would be. The back of the couch marked the beginning of the living room while the counter marked the beginning of the kitchen. This left a smallish walkway between the two that led to some stairs. 

Connor walked down the walkway and poked his head into the kitchen, discovering a door that led to a laundry room and then outside. It was weird. Ever since he could remember he had always lived in a house that was big. No cramped looking spaces, no real areas that would be a problem to have two people in. Here however, everything seemed like making room for two people pushing the limits except for the kitchen and the living room and maybe whatever was upstairs.

He let his feet carry him up the stairs as he looked at the walls. Unlike his house, there were no photos hanging in the stairwell. It was another weird thing to him. Once he made it upstairs he noticed a doorway that had been left ajar. He walked towards it quietly, starting to pick up on voices that were coming from inside. 

“Ok so let me get this straight, they thought that your weird sex letter was Connor Murphy’s suicide note that gave them the reassurance they needed to know he had friends?”

“It’s not a sex thing, it was something my therapist gave me to do. I didn’t know that Connor would take it, a-and I didn’t know he would kill himself. If I had known that I would have tried to talk to him more about the letter and try and not have him take it from me and maybe then-”

“You really want to dwell on the specifics of how to talk Connor Murphy out of taking your sex letter? What good will that do? It’s already happened Evan, it happened three days ago.”

Wait, three days ago? Is that how long he had been in that dark box? Three days? It felt like only a few hours at most. Being dead came with a whole bunch of weird things no one ever wrote about. 

Connor could hear Evan let out a breath that he seemed to have been holding for way too long. “Ok yeah but, but maybe if I could know how to fix the past I-”

“This isn’t some Sci-Fi ghost movie where the answers are all revealed to you in some freak way. All you have to do is say nothing, nod, and confirm whatever they say about Connor. Don’t open your mouth so you don’t start making shit up.”

“So lie to them? I can’t just lie to them!”

“Well, you either smile and nod or you come clean. I think we both know which one you are going to end up doing.”

“How do you even know that will work?”

“Because it’s what I always do to my parents. I’ve gotten away with so much shit they don’t know about. So just smile, nod, and confirm whatever they say about Connor. Then never interact with them again.”

“But-”

“SMILE, NOD, AND CONFIRM. Jesus christ Evan, how many more times do you want me to say it?” Connor could hear the speaker on the other end of the call glitch out a couple times at the yelling. This confirmed to him that it was, in fact, Kleinman that Evan was talking to. In Connor’s mind, Kleinman didn’t deserve for him to even think about his first name. By that logic why should he even let that douche tell Evan what to say to _his_ parents and _his_ sister. 

That was just enough of the charge that Connor needed to push open Evan’s door. He watched as Evan froze up and quickly closed his laptop. It amazed him that the laptop didn’t break under how fast it was being closed, you’d think he had been watching porn. When Connor looked to Evan’s face he was met with a pair of eyes that seemed both in shock and fear. So That confirmed something, Evan could in fact see him. 

“Y’know,” Connor began, walking closer to the bed. “It might be a lot more considerate to tell me that you are going to my parent's place instead of Kleinman. I mean, just because it’s my house and all.” 

Evan just looked at him, starting to try and stammer out a sentence. “But you- I saw your- You weren-”

“You gonna keep speaking in sentence fragments? You can ask like, multiple questions at a time you know. You don’t just have to pick one. I can answer more than one too. It’s really quite amazing how the human brain can do that.” Connor crossed his arms as he looked at Evan. Was he being a bit harsh? Sure. But he preferred to get to the bottom of the reason Evan was going over to his house. 

Evan took a deep breath and looked at Connor. “Ok….Ok...Ok..” He started to fidget with his shirt collar. “I thought you died? Shouldn’t you be dead? And uh..how much did you here?”

“Well for starters, I am dead. One hundred and ten percent. Though..I guess according to whatever clock Death is running on I came early. He didn’t want to deal with me yet so he sent me down here to watch over you. Make sure you don’t end up killing yourself. Guess he was pretty scared about that. You dying would mess up his plans even more.”

Evan just sat there and nodded, trying to process everything.

“And how much did I hear? Well I started listening at Kleinman saying you wrote a sex let-”

“It’s not a sex letter, it’s a letter I have to do for therapy that is supposed to help me ge-”

Connor couldn’t help but send Evan a glare. He really didn’t know how to stop talking it seemed. “Yeah, I heard you explain that part too. So I am all caught up on that front. So all that leaves me with is asking you why are you going over to my parent's house? Why the fuck did they invite you out of all of the people?” 

“Well uh..” Evan swallowed and started to fidget with the hem of his polo shirt. “I guess when they found you, uh the you that is still here, they found th-the letter you stole from me in your pocket. They...They thought you had written it to me. They thought it was your..your suicide note. And I tried to tell them! I did! Really! But, but your mom was a mess, and your dad was trying to console her, and they didn’t want to listen to me so they asked me to dinner to hear more about you and uh, now I have dinner with them, uh, tomorrow at like six and uh I don’t even know what to wear or what to say or an-”

“Ok, I don’t need to know about the seventeen different ways you need to get ready.” Connor snapped at him out of pure annoyance. He took a deep breath and rubbed his temples. If he was going to help this kid in any way he was going to have to teach him to stop and breathe. Maybe teach him how to ground himself.

Evan was now just staring at Connor. It looked like he was both wanting to continue and incredibly scared of opening his mouth again. Ok, new plan. Obviously Connor couldn’t be as short-tempered as he usually was with other people. As much as he wanted to tell the kid to get over himself, he had a right to be kinda scared. He’s been visited by a ghost and seemed to be on the verge of an ever-looming anxiety attack for the past seventy-two hours. 

“Ok,” He starts with more composure than his last outburst. “If you are going to my parent’s place then we need to do one of two things.” 

Evan looked like he had a bit of weight lifted off his shoulders. Guess telling this kid what he was going to do helped quiet down that brain of his.   
“We are either going to talk about my whole life and fill you in on every possible thing they could ask you, or I am going to come with you.” 

“I uh, not to be rude but I think filling me in on your whole life would take more than the time we have and then I would need a way to...um...” Evan started but cut himself off when he saw the commanding look Connor was giving him. 

“Then I guess I'm coming with you to one of the most fun evenings of our lives...dinner with my parents!” With waving jazz hands and some fake enthusiasm Connor forced a smile onto his face. He didn’t know how he was going to do this, but if going would somehow save Evan from killing himself then hey, it would be worth it. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw yeah chapter 2 done! I really hope you guys like it. Feel free to comment or leave constructive criticism, I like hearing from you guys. See you in the next chapter!!

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you wanna! If this does seem familiar it is because I posted this story before at one point but wanted to redo it. Hope you all enjoy!


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